i hate the mixed signals i get from you. i want to be close with you, i never meant for us not to stay best friends, you know me better than anyone else, ever, and you mean the world to me. and because i'm so far away, i never get to see you, and that blows. i love when you come visit me for the afternoon, but i can't expect you to do that too often. so when i come home to see you, i get pretty excited. you, however, don't seem so happy. you pull away from me, close yourself off emotionally. i think it's because you're afraid to get too close, because we both have strong feelings for each other, feelings that won't ever go away. i get one word snappy answers, you don't want to go to the party with me, you're going to be rolling anyway, you'll meet me there, talk to me later, whatever. i texted you from the bridge, got my hopes up that i would get to spend time you, whether just us or not. you don't want to see me, don't want to go to the party with me, you're not even mentally going to be there anyway, you're going to be on ecstasy, you don't feel it's worth it to not roll tonight so that i don't feel awkward around you because i'm sober. if i was to see you rolling, i wouldn't even know for sure if you meant anything you said. if you even hung out with me at all, because when you're around our friends, you don't treat me the same way you do when it's just us hanging out at my apartment. you avoid me sometimes. and i understand that it's difficult still, awkward still, but we're going to have to get past that. because if we don't deal with it now, it will never go away, and we'll never be able to be close again. i can't deal with you being so distant.
tonight, i just wish you would have told me that you don't care whether you see me, so that i wouldn't have bothered coming home at all,